Colleagues Are Not Your Friends—And That’s Okay

“Don’t be friends with people at work.”

Wait, what? But isn’t a strong network of work relationships essential to building a successful career?

I know—you might have a very strong opinion about this. And whatever your stance is, you're probably right... in part. Years ago, I would’ve disagreed entirely with that statement. Today, I see things differently.

The Hard Lesson I Learned

As an extrovert who loves people and deep connection, I used to throw myself fully into workplace relationships. I'd share personal stories, hang out with coworkers outside of work, laugh, vent, and bond over everyday challenges. It felt real. It felt like friendship.

But it wasn't.

Eventually, I found myself hurt and disappointed when those same “friends” didn’t show up the way real friends would—or when work dynamics changed and those relationships shifted or disappeared. That pain led me to shut down. I went to the opposite extreme: being overly professional, keeping everything surface-level, and never connecting deeply.

That didn’t work either.

Because here’s the truth: we do need connection at work. But we also need clarity. We need to understand the difference between a colleagueship and a friendship.

Colleagueship vs. Friendship

It’s confusing because a strong colleagueship can feel just as intimate as a friendship. But the two serve different purposes—and confusing them is where the hurt begins.

Let’s break it down:

• Friendship is deeply personal. It’s based on mutual trust, vulnerability, and often, unconditional support. Real friendship takes time to build and exists by choice, not circumstance.

• Colleagueship is rooted in shared goals, roles, and performance. It’s based on a mutual professional need, often formed through situational proximity, not necessarily personal connection.

The problem? We often spend more time with colleagues than our own families. We go through high-stakes moments together—difficult clients, project wins, office drama. It can feel like friendship.

But when you start placing friend-level expectations on work-based relationships, things can get messy.

Why the Confusion Hurts

Here’s where it gets tricky:

1. Work is situational.
   You’re brought together by a company, project, or team. Unlike friendship, which is chosen, colleagueship is based on necessity. In these situations, roles and performance come first.

2. Healthy competition exists in colleagueship.
   You might end up competing with someone you deeply respect for a promotion. If you view them as a friend, it might feel like betrayal. If you understand them as a colleague, it’s just part of the game—and it can be done ethically and respectfully.

3. There’s professional codependency.
   Your performance might affect mine. Your missed deadlines might cause my stress. In friendship, that kind of dependency doesn’t usually exist. But at work, it’s part of the dynamic.

4. Survival often overrides loyalty.
   You might expect a “friend” to stand up for you in a difficult moment, but your colleague may stay silent to protect their job or income. That doesn’t mean they’re a bad person. It means they’re acting within the boundaries of colleagueship.

5. Oversharing has consequences.
   You might feel comfortable venting to a trusted coworker, but sharing too much—especially personal drama or unethical behavior—can backfire. It may unintentionally affect how they view your professionalism, and your work relationship may suffer.

My Wake-Up Call

I once had a work friend going through a tough time in her relationship. At first, I was happy to help and pick up a bit of her workload here and there. But as her drama became a daily feature, I grew bitter—because I’d blurred the lines between friend and colleague.

The turning point came when I began defining the relationship for what it was: a colleagueship. I pulled back emotionally, communicated clearly, and reestablished boundaries. Surprisingly, that shift actually created more respect and trust between us.

What’s Possible With Healthy Boundaries

When I finally started approaching my work relationships with clarity and intention, everything changed:

• I became a better collaborator.

• I felt less disappointed.

• I protected my emotional energy.

• I created space for real friendships to emerge—either inside or outside of work.

In fact, two of my closest friends today are former colleagues. But that friendship didn’t bloom until after our work relationship had ended. It had time and space to become something new.

Redefining Work Connection

Colleagues aren’t your friends.

But when you have healthy boundaries, clearly defined expectations, and a commitment to mutual respect, your work relationships can become something just as meaningful. Sometimes, even more so.

They can evolve into powerful collaborations, lifelong connections, and, in some rare cases, beautiful friendships.

But only when they start with clarity.

What do you think—do you agree?
Have you ever had a colleague friendship that left you feeling disappointed—or empowered? I’d love to hear about it.

🎥 Want to go deeper into this topic?
Watch the full video here → https://youtu.be/VFHtV-zWrhc