Why “Just Say No” Doesn’t Work and What to Do Instead

One of the things that truly bothers me about the advice from ‘boundary-setting’ promoters is the overly simplistic idea that we just need to say NO more often.

The truth is, most excellent boundary setters don’t actually walk around saying NO all the time. And I don’t think that’s what these promoters mean, either. What they’re really suggesting is that we need to decline things more often.

For those of us who are new to setting professional boundaries, this distinction can be life-changing. When we hear “just say NO,” we often take it literally and end up doing one of two things:

1. We try saying NO to someone with no explanation—and say it “like we mean it.” Unsurprisingly, this often leads to a pretty negative response. Afterward, we’re so shaken that we vow never to try again.
2. We avoid the whole process entirely because we can’t picture ourselves confidently saying NO in that blunt, direct way.

The result? We’re stuck, unsure how to set boundaries in a way that feels true to who we are.

Here’s the truth: We need to decline things more often—but in a way that feels graceful, kind, and thoughtful.

Declining doesn’t mean shutting people down abruptly. It means approaching the situation with care. We use encouraging statements, expressions of regret, and relevant explanations to let the other person down gently. By doing so, we preserve the relationship and maintain how that person feels about us while still honoring our own limits.

Here are some examples of how to decline gracefully:

• “Thank you so much for thinking of me! Unfortunately, I can’t take this on right now, but I really appreciate the opportunity.”
• “I’d love to help, but I’m currently focusing on other priorities. Let’s revisit this another time if possible.”
• “I’m honored you asked, but I’m not able to commit to this. Is there another way I can support you?”

Why Saying NO Feels Hard

NO on its own is a tricky word. It can trigger many things in others that will NOT be obvious to us but can leave someone who is kind and sensitive spinning out. Here are the reasons you’re probably hesitating to say NO:

Rejection & Shame

Saying "no" without any explanation can inadvertently convey rejection, especially to individuals who are sensitive. Without context or empathy, a simple "no" may be perceived as a personal rebuff, leading to feelings of rejection and emotional distress. This reaction stems from the human tendency to internalize negative responses.

Unprofessionalism

Delivering a blunt "no" without explanation in a professional setting can be perceived as dismissive or uncooperative, potentially damaging your reputation as a team player and leading others to view you as unprofessional or even insubordinate.

What to Do Instead

To maintain positive workplace relationships and uphold your professional image, it’s advisable to decline requests with grace and clarity, providing brief explanations or alternative solutions when appropriate.

When Declining Gracefully Doesn’t Work

Of course, because life is never truly simple, there is an exception to the rule: the pushy person who doesn’t take a decline well. This is the person who tries to solve your problem, continues to persuade, or blatantly starts to guilt trip or threaten you.

These people are rare, but they are out there. And we often stop setting boundaries because we’ve bumped into these people before.

Luckily, these individuals truly are the exception. Most of the declines we make will be with people who are just as thoughtful and compassionate as we are.

Start Small

My recommendation is to try out these statements on the easy wins—the people we know are kind. These interactions will help you build confidence in setting boundaries.

If you’re ready to master the harder NOs, come join me in my course. But even setting the easy NOs in your life will already have a tremendous impact on your schedule and your confidence.

Tips for Thoughtful Declines

Curiosity

When you decline a request, showing genuine interest in the other person’s needs can make your response feel more considerate. By asking open-ended questions, you invite them to share more about their situation, leading to a more understanding and collaborative conversation. This approach helps you decline the request thoughtfully and shows respect for their perspective.

Openness

Openness in declining requests entails being transparent about your reasons for saying no. Clearly communicating your boundaries and limitations helps the requester understand your position without ambiguity. This honesty can prevent misunderstandings and set realistic expectations, thereby maintaining trust and respect in the relationship.

Breeziness

Approaching a decline with breeziness means delivering your response in a light-hearted and nonchalant manner. This technique can ease any tension and make the refusal feel less confrontational. By not overemphasizing the negative aspect of saying no, you can maintain a positive tone and keep the interaction friendly, which is particularly useful in maintaining ongoing professional relationships.